I feel alone now.

So what is it you are jealous of? 

…the high. Waking up and checking all the bones and weighing and seeing that you are down, down a whole pound, maybe even more. Nothing else feels like that. 

Could anything ever feel like that?

no, I don’t think anything will ever feel quite as good or bad. I think of it like a drug addiction, kinda like a real high. 

A lot of people that have addictions find that going back to the drug is not the same. They can’t get that high they used to get. I think that would happen to you. You know the consequences, you know what you have to lose. It’s not going to feel like that again. 

The Next Right Thing: The Newest Crisis

You are really smart. And you never come across as braggy about it, like too many other smart people. That’s amazing. I’m so happy I’ll be able to say I knew you when. 

thenextrightthing:

Well, not really a crisis, but something that needs to be dealt with ASAP. I just got a call from McMaster. Somehow, they haven’t received any of my transcripts. WTF?? I’ve sent like 3 of them. Anyway, the woman that called me said they at least wanted to see an unofficial transcript so that they…

Maybe if we all wear GPS we can avoid the people we never need to see again?

Last night I went out with a friend who has just moved into my neighbourhood. We went out for dinner, walked around a bunch, had gelato it was really normal. I wasn’t thinking about food or calories, just showing her around. And then I saw a girl from the hospital.

Not someone I knew at all, I don’t think I even learned her name. But it was super emotional. I tried not to stare but she was very thin and I couldn’t help it. Her legs, her arms, her absolute lack of an ass. It’s all there in my head. I ended up bingeing at home and having the worst heart burn of my life as a result. No purge but maybe this incredible heartburn is a sign that the purging really has to end.

I’m trying to remind myself that she was alone and I was with someone. Her skin looked like shit, and her face was super flakey and splotchy. She doesn’t even realize she is thin, she thinks she is fat. She is hurting, I was having fun. I really wanted to skip breakfast this morning but I made it through. The heartburn is back so the breakfast is for sure staying down. 

“But why would someone cut themselves? What would drive them to that? Isn’t it fatal?”

        - Privileged, oblivious, girl in class this morning. 

I hate her and her total unawareness of self harm as an activity that so many people take part in. Lucky. And so unaware of how lucky she is. 

i got a job. i better not fuck this one up. 

First thought, she has my name AND she was probably skinnier than I was. Oh yeah, I’m all recovered now. I hate you brain. 

“Someday Melissa”, a powerful documentary about a young teen’s struggle with (and ultimate loss to) an eating disorder

The Next Right Thing: Awkward Elevator Ride

I bet she was thinking, “omg it’s that awesome, pretty, funny girl from treatment. She looks so much better than me, I’m the worst” because you are awesome, and we all think we are the biggest thing since treatment (at least I think we all do). It sounds like you did the right thing by not talking to her, it’s such a weird conversation to have and you would probably both feel worse after. How fucking weird is it that we spent all that time talking, crying and confessing together and it’s come down to awkward elevator rides. Why did they never do an education class about this? A little less assertiveness, a little more social skills with people after you leave the hospital. 

thenextrightthing:

I was just on the elevator with a girl I was in treatment with. We didn’t acknowledge each other, possibly because I was wearing my ‘do not speak to me’ outfit, which involves sunglasses inside when it is not sunny, headphones in, and playing with my phone and she was with someone. The only thing…

edrecoverystarfish:

I held a sharp object, but I didn’t cut. I cried it out, and I didn’t purge. I put on The Simpsons, and I didn’t binge. I went for a walk. I wouldn’t say I’m happy by any stretch of the word but I would say I’m okay. 

I don’t even know if this is a thing, but when my anemia is high and I don’t take Iron I feel like I’m just too tired to feel how sad I really am. I’ve been back on Iron since Monday and I feel like shit but not like shit enough to just sleep and ignore it.